Blue Monkey Butt

If you don’t already know, that title is actually a song.  I’m using it as my title because Saturday night I went out to a “club” or “bar” with my friend Wendy.  The thing is, it definitely is NOT the type of club you see on say a music video, unless maybe you are watching redneck t.v. or something.  Let’s just say we had dollar drinks, danced the night away, and laughed at all the train wrecks that were there.  Here is a list of some of what we saw that night:
1. Feathered Hair-oh yea!  Feathered hair, like 80’s big feathered hair
2. Guy on the dance floor wearing a Polaris Snowmobile Jacket, sweatpants, and work boots-I can only guess that those were his “good clothes“.
3. White guy with his shirt unbuttoned too much, dancing like he thought he could, adjusting his Black Velcro Sneakers-again it must of been his “dress shoes“.
4. Security Guard who was 5′5-he was wearing a shirt that said SECURITY, but I could of taken him!
5. A girl wearing a SCRUNCHIE-need I say more?
6. Too many girls that had no common sense when they got dressed and left the house-I’m sorry, but you need to have a least one girlfriend that will tell you how BAD you look in that outfit! 
7. Too many drunk people who thought they could dance-it makes for good people watching!
8. A Cross-Dresser-we think she had an Adam’s Apple
9. Tons of creepy guys who thought they were cool by buying women drinks-HELLO they were a dollar!  Wow, big spender can buy a dollar drink, I am sooo totally impressed.
10.  People under the age of 35 who were missing teeth
11. NASCAR hats
12. NASCAR jackets
And last buy definitely NOT least, the bathroom…which I was told had been re-modeled, you be the judge:

Okay, so here’s the “re-modeled” bathroom.  First off, it was all Plywood (I guess that’s the Natural Wood Smell), notice the OPEN OUTLET, I mean c’mon what dumb city agency approved that one?  Do you like the nails sticking out of the top of the stall?  WUWT?  I mean seriously, my 8 year old can do a better job hitting a nail!  And lastly the number on the wall…all I have to say is I’m sure there’s some pretty drunk people trying to call it, and not knowing why it won’t work!  The doors didn’t have locks on them either, there was toilet paper stuffed into the opening so no one could look in.  Not what I would of gone with if you’re remodeling, but hey who am I to judge?

more animals

Just doing our part to keep the world safe from monkeys. You know those 2 monkeys are distracting him so the other monkey can whack him with the stick, knock him out, steal his money and then cover him with feces. Don’t let this happen to you or someone you love.

Enough with the public service announcements. Here are some more ever popular keyword searches that bring you fabulous people to BMB.

1. game show where you had to guess what something was

Oh ya, that game show. C’mon, every freakin’ game show involves guessing what something was. Do you think you could be a little more vague?

2. free porn monkey face

Whatever turns you on. Sounds a little freaky though.

3. Party blue monkey

Hey we’re always up for a party!

4. Blue Butts

You might want to see a doctor for that condition

5. best butts.com

Why, thank you!

6. cat games with no logging in

that damn quest has caused me many sleepless nights

7. monkey touching his butt

Refer to #2

8. poop leaking

Ewwww! Gross!

9. Tanksgiving letter to teacher

You might want to use spellcheck before you give that to your teacher

10. Peeing out of our butts

Refer to #8, stop googling, step away from the computer, call 911 and then either move away from the nuclear power plant or stop marrying your cousins. Kind of freaks me out when you say “our butts”.

Sorry, no lame cute picture of me wearing 2009 glasses.

 We planned a nice, quiet appetizer-eating, cocktail-drinking, movie-watching night at home for New Year’s Eve. We’d been invited to a party a few weeks ago, you know one of those invitations where someone says, “Hey we’re having a New Year’s Eve party. Why don’t you stop by?” It’s a vague invitation. I got out of work at 6 and Mitch said we got another invite to that party, “Jim called me and asked us to stop by anytime. He said there will be lots of kids there.” Jim is Mitch’s co-worker and he lives about 10 minutes from our house. “Lot’s of kids there..” was all Sissy needed to hear, plus she knew one of the girls that would be there, so we decided to go. We left the house at about 7:45.  Once we got on his street, Mitch said there should be a lot of cars at his house because they were expecting about 60 people. We’re watching the house numbers and getting closer and not seeing lots of cars. We slowly drive by his house and it’s completely dark and there aren’t any cars out front. Hmmm..now we’re wondering if it’s the right house. We go around the loop and pass by again, no cars, house is still dark. Hmmm.. we pull up a little farther and Mitch calls information to get Jim’s phone number. It comes back with his address also, so yes, it is the right house. Mitch tries to call the house and gets the answering machine. Now we’re wondering what’s going on. Why tell someone to stop by anytime if there isn’t actually anyone at home. WUWT? By now we’re sitting out in front of someone else’s house for about 10 minutes. All of a sudden they flipped on their spotlight so we took off. We did the loop again, drove by really slowly and still nothing. By this time J-Man is sound asleep and Sissy is getting hungry. She didn’t have very much for dinner and was looking forward to the “tons of food” at the party. Now it’s after 8 and we head to Wendy’s hoping to get her a little something to tide her over. No lights on there either. So across the street to McDonald’s. We see a couple workers inside so we go to the drive-thru. We sit there waiting for someone to say something over the speaker. Apparently, they are also closed and the 2 people inside can’t walk over to the intercom and say, “Sorry we’re closed.” No, they have to hide inside even though we saw them and not say anything. By now I’m starting to get a complex. First a party that nobody is at then McDonald’s employees ignoring us. It’s about 8:30, Sissy is starving, J-Man is still asleep. Mitch says “Maybe it starts at nine and we’ll give it a few more minutes and see what’s up.” Back to Jim’s neighborhood to do the loop again. Still no sign of anyone. Mitch tries to call them again….nothing. We’ve circled the neighborhood about 7 times and wouldn’t be surprised if the police pulled us over because of a complaint of a suspicious SUV casing out the neighborhood. “Gee, officer, we’re going to this party here. Yup, the house does appear empty. No really, we were invited.” Just as we come around the loop again, another SUV goes by and Mitch thinks it’s Jim’s. We follow behind them, though kind of slow because if it is him, we don’t want him to think we’ve been waiting for him to show up and be the first ones there. As we go slowly by, we see him out there frantically shoveling his driveway and throwing down salt. Okay, looks like somebody is finally home. One more loop around the neighborhood because we don’t want to be the first people to arrive at a party that we weren’t even planning on going to. We pull up outside and get a good look at his driveway, which is straight up and covered in a sheet of ice. Sissy wakes J-Man up by poking him in the face, which, of course, upsets him. Sissy makes it up Mt Everest Driveway (MED)because she’s a kid. Mitch and I are both holding on to J-Man’s hands, who’s tired and grumpy, and attempting to get to the top. Mitch starts slipping backwards and I can just imagine us playing tug of war with J-Man in between us. I tell him “Let go of Daddy’s hand” At this point it’s too late for Mitch and I forge on ahead with J-Man. We make it to the top of MED and look back. Mitch is standing with both legs apart and bent at the knees, both arms are out straight as he’s trying to keep his balance. By now I’m bent over, laughing uncontrollably over the whole situation. Somehow he makes it to the top of MED and we go in. We say hi, Sissy disappears to the basement with all the kids. I’m on the couch with J-Man and next thing we know he’s sound asleep again. Then I hear the best line of the night from our host. “I’m surprised he fell asleep. It’s such a short ride over here. “

AHHHHH!  WTH is that a picture of?  Like the glasses?  I bet you’re jealous!  Yep that’s me.  I don’t usually put pictures of myself on here, because I HATE pictures of myself!  And Elle will make fun of me.  I can just hear Elle laughing right now as she sees this wonderful pic of me!  I can’t wait to see her comments.  Anyways, Happy New Year.  I just wanted to share with you all how pathetic I am.  As of 8:30 p.m. tonight both boys, and DH were in bed.  I on the other hand was reading other people’s blogs and dropping EC’s.  Most people had short sweet post’s that said, “Happy New Years” and that’s about it.  See, those people probably have a life, unlike myself.  I am also breaking #1 on my list of resolutions (see post below) - eating 1/2 a bag of Hersey kisses.  Oh well, it’s not the first yet.  So, my big plans are as follows: put on yoga pants, put on big, red fuzzy bathrobe, eat chocolate until I have a stomach ache, surf the Internet, see the ball drop and go to bed.  Whoopee!  I know you all are jealous of my exciting life!  Don’t be a hater!  This is basically the same thing I do every year.  I can’t remember the last time DH saw the ball drop…maybe 10 years ago or so?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset, just bored.  But it’s 7 degrees out, -5 with the windchill and snowing!  I’m not a fan of winter at all, so to go out in this weather, well it’s too cold, and too much work!.  I’m only 33 y.o., but the thought of having to get dressed up in something nice, fix my hair, make-up, wear heels, and go be nice to people at this hour, well, I’m tired just thinking about it.  I do have my choice of oh so wonderful t.v. show marathons to watch tonight: 
1. The Three Stooges-DH likes them and the boys do too, me not so much it must be a “guy thing”
2. Elf-cute and a favorite, but Christmas is over, H E L L O???
3. The Locator-no thanks, way too sad, I don’t need to be sitting here crying like an idiot all night
4. Dog the Bounty Hunter- UGH!  way too tacky!  There’s just so much I could say here….
5. South Park-not too bad, but how many times can you see them kill Kenny and still find it funny?
6. Survivorman-nah…he’s always taking his clothes off, and he’s not on my list of Canadians to see naked
7. Even Scarier Movie Moments-hmmm, zombies, monsters, vampires, no I’d like to sleep at some point tonight.
8. Twilight Zone-pretty much the same reason as #7
Oh well.  I guess I’ll be thankful tomorrow for my boring life when I do NOT wake up with a hangover.  Happy New Year to you all.  And Elle, please stop laughing now….I’m just saying…

That’s the topic that seems to be on every one’s minds right now.  I’m not a big fan of the “New Years Resolution”.  I don’t believe in making unrealistic goals, that I know I will not accomplish or even want to try.  I quit smoking last year, not on Jan. 1st but sometime in February because I was ready.  Today everyone at work was asking what your NYR was, most people are going to diet, one wants to quit smoking, another wants to organize, etc, etc.  Me, because I’m very sarcastic, and not of a normal natural at all, answered with, “I’m going to take up drinking.”  I pretty much got a shocked reaction to that one.  But, hey, I don’t really drink at all, it’s a fun goal, it’s attainable, and who says you have to have a positive resolution!  This is much better.  Don’t worry Mom, I’m sure I won’t do that, but it does make people stop asking me about it.  Here is a somewhat, almost attainable list of New Years Resolutions I may do…..
1. Stop eating 1/2 a bag of Hersey’s Kisses at night when I’m on the computer-I will lower my intake to 1/4 of a bag, this will cut down on the stomach aches, and pounds.
2. Rock out to Guitar Hero World Tour everyday-I would say exercise, but I know that won’t happen, I’m sure I burn enough calories being a Rock Star!
3. Stop saying out loud what I am thinking in my head-I can’t go with “be nicer to people”, cuz that’s never gonna happen!
4. Hide my face when I roll my eyes-I am a constant eye-roller, ask anyone that knows me, this is something I will never be able to stop!  I do it without even knowing it, maybe that’s why I get so many headaches!
5. Only yell at stupid people who cut me off in traffic when the kids are NOT in the car-they’re starting to beat me to it (”oh what a stupid idiot”, “where did he learn to drive”, “get a clue dumb-ass” “Moron!”)
6. Have a semi-positive attitude-I’m know to have a negative outlook (glass half empty person, waiting for the other shoe to drop, bad things happen in 3’s etc.)
7. Start Gambling-this falls into the category “win the lottery”, but since I don’t buy any tickets I can’t win unless I start.
8. Be in bed by midnight on weeknights-I have a habit of finding awful shows to watch late at night (Adult Swim on Cartoon Network) and I’ve always been a night owl.
9. Cut down on 1 Mtn. Dew a day-Please note it’s NOT drink 1 Mtn. Dew a day, it’s 1 less, so instead of 4 a day, I’ll go with 3.
10. Buy less “Yoga Pants“-Nope, I don’t do Yoga, don’t want to, just like the nice, comfy pants they make.  I just don’t need 10 pairs or more of them.
Oh yea, and Take up drinking!
So there you go that’s my “Realistic New Years Resolutions for 2009″, we’ll see how I do.  Good luck to all of you with any goals you may have in the new year!

I got a Wii Fit and diarrhea for Christmas! Aren’t you all jealous as hell. Apparently, diarrhea is a gift that keeps on giving. I’m entering day 5 and there’s no end in sight, no pun intended. Things are okay until I eat any food, then it starts all over again. I’m living on Diet Pepsi and Gatorade. Just today my DH suggested the Diet Pepsi wasn’t good and maybe I shouldn’t drink it until I feel better. I heard they do face transplants in the USA now. 

The worst part is I’m starving, absolutely stomach rumbling famished. My food starved brain falls for the stomach rumbling and says “it’s okay, eat a little something, you should be okay by now.” Well, it’s not okay…not…at…all! It’s so much fun preparing meals that you can’t even eat. Love it.

DH has the whole week off and we had lots of things planned, plus our oldest DD is leaving for her Disney Internship next week, so there’s tons to do. But I’m not getting much done. DH has played countless games of Hannah Montana trivia, Boom Blox and Matchbox cars. He’s getting really competitive at the trivia. I think he’ll be signing up for the Hannah Montana Fan Club before too long.

The Wii Fit is great. I’ve been wanting one, but never thought I’d actually get one. DH super surprised me with that it. I tried it out the other day and got my Wii Fit age……31. Considering I haven’t seen 31 in a long time, I was pretty psyched. Unless they meant 31 in dog years.

Lucky for me Stacy got a computer for Christmas and has been taking up the slack by posting and dropping Entrecards like crazy.

Santa, next year could you just bring me coal instead?

If you have been to the site lately I’m sure you read about my “non-accident” accident.  Anyways, yesterday I turned on my cell phone at about 5pm and saw that I had 3 voice mail messages.  When I checked my voice mail the messages were all from the woman who hit my car the other day.  I will now refer to her as “Crazy Accident Woman“, because that’s what she is!  I called her back because at this point I was getting really aggravated.  She changed her story immediately to say that I  hit her.  So, she answers the phone and starts yelling at me.  Yelling about getting her Toyota fixed, how I hit her, and I need to call my insurance agency, blah, blah, blah.  Okay, up to this point I have been nice, but I was starting to lose it!  I could feel my heart beating faster, and a sharp pain begin in between my shoulders.  Ahhh, the joys of stress.  She then puts her husband on the phone.  Her husband, who for the record wasn’t even there the day of the accident!  He then begins to yell at me about hitting his wife’s car, etc.  Every time I start to talk, he interrupts me.  Heart beating faster, pain getting worse, headache forming.  Okay, I reached my ticked off limit!  So I talk over him and yell, “LISTEN YOUR WIFE HIT MY CAR, THERE IS NO WAY THAT I COULD HIT THE FRONT OF HER CAR WITH THE BACK OF MY CAR WHILE DRIVING FORWARD, I HAVE NOTIFIED MY INSURANCE AGENCY THAT YOUR WIFE HAS LIED AND SAID I HIT HER CAR.  YOU NEED TO HANDLE THIS WITH YOUR INSURANCE AGENCY NOT ME, I AM DONE, DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR WIFE, DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN, CLICK”  Then my head spun around in a circle and pea soup came out of my mouth.

A moment later my phone beeped that I had a new voice mail message.  Gee, who the hell could that be???  Yep, you guessed it “Crazy Accident Woman’s husband”, saying, “we need to talk, call me back asap”.  AHHHHHHHHHHH!  The next morning I was talking to Elle about it and she kept saying, “call the police“.  Now the thought did occur to me at 2 am when I was still up thinking about the whole ordeal.  Then DH started yelling, “call the police“, and Elle’s DH was yelling, “call the police“.  So, I called the police.  They sent an officer out right away, (aahhhh, hurry up, get out of ugly pj’s, comb hair, try to put on makeup, tidy up kitchen).  He was very nice and took my statement, and offered to call the “Crazy Accident Woman” and her husband, and remind them that they are NOT to call me again.  Happily, both of them argued with the Officer on the phone, and kept interrupting him, just as they had done to me the night before.  After about 15 minutes of arguing, he then instructed them, “if you contact this woman (me) again, she has been instructed to call us (the police), and you can and will be arrested for harassment“.  BOO-YAH!  Yep, I said it, BOO-YAH!  And I did my BOO-YAH Dance!  Take that crazy accident people!  I got the 5-O on my side! 

I’m sure I haven’t heard the end of it with them, and I’m sure I’ll be fighting with insurance companies about who is at fault, but it was a really nice BOO-YAH moment for me! 

That is my question of the day.  I looked online to answer this question, and couldn’t find the exact answer, other than it was made in Sweden and packaged in China.  I’m thinking the person who invented moon sand was first off, a guy, and second, did not have kids.  Because if they did have kids they would never think of developing such a toy!  And if they still did, their wife would probably leave them!  This is a set my son got for Christmas from a relative.  It is supposed to be good because you can keep all your moon sand, and play with it in the case.  There are a few problems to this, if you don’t keep the plastic bags, (which are not resealable) all your sand gets mixed together.  Plus moon sand NEVER stays in the tray.  It gets everywhere!  It’s messy, and I hate it!  My boys on the other hand love it!  They also choose to play with it right after I’ve finished vacuuming.  WTH!  Here is a picture of them playing with it.  As you can see, there is moon sand on the table around the container.  Here are the reasons why I hate moon sand, and if you haven’t already bought your kids some…..DON’T!
1.  Moon Sand goes everywhere!  And if you have tile or wood floors they will become extremely slippery!
2.  It attaches to everything.  The dog, your socks, your cat, your shoes! 
3. Sand is meant to be played with outside, not inside.
4. It states that it is Non-Toxic, but it should not be eaten or swallowed.  I don’t know why you would eat it, but there are paste eaters out there.
5. In the instructions in big letters it says “DO NOT allow soap or liquid soap to come into contact with the moon sand.”  This makes me want to do it, just to see what would happen.
6. It also says “Wash hands after use“, ummm, doesn’t that contradict the whole #5 of no soap coming in contact? 
7. 10 minutes of play, 10 years of finding blue, green, and yellow sand everywhere.
8. There’s 10% less sand to play with after each use (this is both a good thing and a bad thing)!  It’s where the 10% went that is the bad thing!
9. Sand fights (remember I have 2 boys ages 8 + 10)
10. Someone always rubs their eyes when they are playing with it.  Emergency eye wash anyone??

Merry Christmas to everyone out there.  I hope you all had a wonderful day.  I should be in bed, I’m tired enough to be in bed, but I’m not there yet.  The boys woke up at 2:30 a.m., and came down every hour to “go to the bathroom”.  Yea, right, no one has to pee that much!  And each time they would come down they would take just a minute longer to go back upstairs!  We finally let them open presents at the un-godly hour of 6am!  UGH!  But there was no making them wait any longer!  They had a great Christmas though, and Santa brought a lot of things that were on their list.  We’ve been rocking out to the Wii Guitar Hero World Tour!  I personally like the drums, and I do “Rock” at them, or at least the game tells me that I do.  It’s really fun, and addicting.  But you know you’ve had enough playing when you look away from the t.v. and everything is moving like the notes in the game.  Can you say migraine?  They are also very happy with their MVP players.  Yep, that’s what I said MVP.  I know they’re MP3 players, but my 8 yr. old calls them MVP players, and I think it’s cute, so that’s what I’m going to call them from now on.  My husband totally surprised me and got me my very own computer and new printer/scanner/copier!  I was so surprised and excited.  Now I can actually use a computer at home!  We all usually have to fight each other to see who gets the computer in the evening, and then my husband goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. every night, and our computer is in the bedroom, so I never get to use the computer at night!  This is going to work out great, my computer will be in the kitchen and I can work on it whenever I want!  Yea me!  I think we’ve opened almost every toy the kids got, because they want to play with them for at least 5 minutes before they decide they want you to open another toy!  And there were no injuries from the stupid industrial strength plastic that holds tiny, flimsy toys in boxes.  I bet there is a very high injury rate on Christmas from that damn plastic!  WUWT??  Do we really need that strong of plastic, tape, twist ties, sometimes screws, small clear elastics, etc. to hold in action figures or cars or Littlest Pet Shop characters??  I’m thinking…NOT!  Well I’m falling asleep, and Elle hates it when I use bad grammar, or make spelling errors, so I better end this now.  Here’s a pic of our tree with the unwrapped gifts under it…

I know it’s almost Christmas and I have a ton of things to do today, but I thought I would share what happened to me on the way to work yesterday.  The beautiful thing about having a blog is that I get to share my happenings with all of you, not just those that know me!  Yesterday on the way to work I was stopped at a red light, the light has two lanes that turn left, when the light turned green I went to turn, and this woman behind me hit the back of my car.  It was kinda like when you watch those high speed police pursuits and they try to pit the guy by hitting the back of the car, but at like 5 miles an hour, it’s not as spectacular.  I didn’t know what happened at first, I felt the back of my car move and glanced in my rear-view mirror to a woman with a surprised look on her face.  I’m thinking WTH just happened?  Did she just hit me?  Seriously!  That was my thought process, and the fact that I had to pull over and get out in 5 degree weather.  UGH!  So, we both got out and I looked at my car…..nothing, except I think she rubbed the salt off my car where she hit me.  Her car had scratches on her front fender.  That’s the good thing with having a car that was built in 1990, it may rust everywhere, but it is made of metal!  That’s when they still made cars out of metal.  We exchanged what little information I could get out of her, which because English wasn’t her first language, wasn’t much.  She was very nice though and I thought, “okay, it wasn’t bad, relax, everything’s fine”.  Of course for me, nothing is ever “fine”.  I called my insurance agency when I got to work, but the woman I needed to speak to was out of the office for the day.  Good thing I didn’t have a bad accident because apparently she was the only one who handles accidents, and no one else there does.  Um, do you think that’s a good idea?  So, I left a nice voice message just letting her know about the accident.  I then called the Police Dept. to notify them.  I wasn’t sure the procedures because I’ve never had a real accident.  According to the Police, I guess I still hadn’t had a real accident.  Because I have no damage, no one was hurt, and the other woman hit me, it’s not considered a “real accident”.  So I had a pretend accident.  Okay, I can handle that, NBD.  Over and done with…..that is until I received the following message from the woman from the pretend accident…vrec005

Are you kidding me?  You hit the back of my car with the front of your car?  Seriously!!!!  How has this whole thing changed to me hitting you?  LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!!  Stupid Toyota Garage!