Archive for the ‘crazy crap’ Category
My work is currently getting ready to move our office to a new city. So, because of this we have been going through stuff to save or throw out. Today we came across a first aid kit. Inside the kit was some really expired Alka Seltzers, sterile cotton (that had a date of 1940? maybe), and other expired medication. I noticed a sticker that had information on what to do “In Case of Sudden Death.” What? Wait? Sudden Death? You mean they’re already dead? Uh oh, that can’t be good! I thought Sudden Death was what they did in fighting matches when there was a tie? You know, Sudden Death Match! (said in a deep dramatic tone)
Let’s begin……
#1 Put on Latex or Rubber gloves- I don’t know why, I guess so you don’t get death cooties on you.
#2 Establish Unresponsiveness- wait, didn’t you already say In Case of Sudden Death? I’m assuming they’re dead!
#3 Yell Out for Help - this is funny, obviously this was printed before the invention of 911. Put on your rubber gloves and yell HELP SOMEONE HAS HAD A SUDDEN DEATH!!
#4 Open Airway - be careful I’ve heard that when people die bodily fluids seep out of them….just sayin’
#5 Pinch Nostrils - well if they breath through their nose you just blocked their airway, but since they’re dead, I guess it’s okay.
#6 Give 2 Full Breaths - what? Into their mouth? Technically it doesn’t say to do that, maybe you’re suppose to just breath yourself, I mean you must be tired from all that yelling for help!
#7 Feel for a Pulse - I don’t know about you, but shouldn’t you feel for a pulse BEFOREyou stick your mouth on theirs? I mean, that could be sexual harassment or something! This should really be #2 or something!
#8 Send for Medical Help - Obviously all that damn yelling for help didn’t work! Maybe you could send Lassie to get Medical Help….too bad they didn’t have a phone number you could call to get help, that would be so much easier!
#9 Patient on a Firm Surface - Again, shouldn’t this be higher up on the list? It would be hard to give them mouth to mouth if they’re sitting in their chair. If you think about it, it definitely would look like you were doing something else to them if they were in a chair!
#10 Locate Hand Position - okay who’s hands are we talking about here? And what position?
#11 Position Your Body - again with the positions, this is sounding worse and worse, shouldn’t you be worried about the dead body?
#12 15 Chest Compressions- to the dead body? Ewww, oh wait, you’re wearing rubber gloves, you should be okay.
#13 2 Mouth to Mouth Ventilation’s- yea, sorry but I’m not putting my mouth on anyone’s mouth I work with.
#14 Repeat Compression & Ventilation’s - nope, sorry, this is not in my job description.
#15 Continue until the victim revives, additional help arrives, or until you are exhausted.
Okay, #15 is my all time favorite on the list! “Or until you are exhausted?” “Gee, I’m so exhausted from yelling for help, and I’m just tired, guess I can give up now, I mean, it says I can!”
Bichon Frise Going to the Bathroom by Jay Schmetz
The following post contains dirty language (literally), so if you don’t want to read anything that has to do with poop, crap or shit, please stop reading. So, today Elle sent me a text in reference to um, well, constipation. Let’s just set the record straight that neither Elle nor I were constipated, and the constipated-ee I guess you would say, will remain nameless. Well, because Elle and I are like 12 or 13 year old children we continued to text back and forth about this subject. I was laughing out loud (literally) when I was reading her texts, I don’t know if you will find our warped sisterly sense of humor amusing, but I thought I would share it anyways. And Mum, sorry for the excessive “shit” use on today’s post. Here goes:
ELLE: Just got a call that “so and so” has to have X-rays because she’s so constipated or literally full of shit.
STACY: Wow thanks for sharing that
ELLE: If my plans get messed up because of “Full of shit so and so” I will be stressed out!
STACY: That would be pretty shitty.
ELLE: Holy Crap!
STACY: Crap in a crap basket.
ELLE: The shitters full.
STACY: POOP-people order our patties.
ELLE: Oops I crapped my pants!
STACY: You’re shitting me!
ELLE: Same shit different day….literally
STACY: You scared the shit out of me
ELLE: No shit sherlock.
STACY: Shit for brains!
ELLE: Now the shit is really going to hit the fan!
STACY: You’ll be shit out of luck!
ELLE: Up shits creek!
STACY: Wipe that shit eating grin off your face!
ELLE: Shitstorm
STACY: Shitzu
ELLE: Shit on a shingle
STACY: Shittake (mushroom)
ELLE: Does a bear shit in the woods?
STACY: Happier than a pig in shit!
We probably would of kept going but J-Man was playing with Elle’s phone. And just for the record, it’s hard to think up a “shit” saying off the top of your head without googling it!
Elle:
For the record I didn’t have to Google any of them or have anybody that could help. Not like I was going to ask my kids. Just sayin’. I can’t wait to see the keyword searches from this post. Also, for the record and for Mom, I never actually say these things. My worst expression is crap in a crap basket.
Saturday night my husband discovered that I was eligible for a new phone upgrade on our plan. Next thing I know he’s heading out to the Verizon store to just look and then he came home with a new Palm Pre Plus for me. Of course I didn’t read the directions, I just started playing with it and then somehow I synced up my friends list from Facebook into the contact list of my new phone. Oops. I really didn’t mean to do that. Then as I was trying to edit the contact list the phone started dialing and I was calling Anne from Small Town Mommy at 11:30 at night! OMG!!! I was trying to hang it up but this was my first call on the freakin’ phone and it wouldn’t hang up. I can hear her voicemail and I’m saying “OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP!” Finally it hung up but the damage was done. I could imagine waking up the whole Small Town Mommy household and then when Anne saw who called she’d be like “WTH?? Crazy internet stalker!” Sooooo if you are one of my FB friends and you get a random call it could be from me, at least until I get this new phone figured out.
Today it rained which meant the camp my boys go to was cancelled. They of course were super happy this morning, I of course wasn’t. This meant no going to work today and since I had gotten up at 6:30 a.m. I wasn’t even able to sleep in! Damn. The boys figured we would do something “fun” because we were home. Um, yeah, I don’t know where they got that idea, but that wasn’t happening. Fun on a rainy day costs money. They asked to go to Chuck E. Cheese, yeah right, I don’t really want to spend the day at the Third Circle of Hell with a bunch of other people. Have I mentioned I hate people? Well, yeah I do. I think they became bored by 9am. I became bored shortly after that. I told them they could clean their rooms, and their playroom, but they looked at me like I suddenly grew 3 heads. Okay, so that’s not exactly fun, but still it was something to do. I was pretty bored with my to do list too. I did a load of laundry, checked Facebook, did the dishes, checked Facebook, threw in another load of laundry, called Elle while I checked Facebook, vacuumed, googled a bunch of stupid things, more laundry, and checked Facebook. I kinda see a pattern here. The funny thing is when I went on Facebook, it always showed the same people “online.” Now with all the fancy phones I know sometimes it shows someone online, when really they’re just logged in on their phone. But for the other people that are on Facebook all day, why?? No offense, but what big life changing moment is going to happen when you sit on there all day long?
Also, there is nothing at all on t.v. during the day! Thanks to the boys watching Phineas and Ferb all day I had the “Aglet” Song stuck in my head. For those of you that don’t know, an “aglet” is the plastic piece at the end of a shoelace. Yea, super. I’m going to need that information someday. There are a ton of commercials for tampons, feminine wash, anti-depressants, weight loss, fiber foods, and plastic surgery. I think there should be more commercials for chocolate, brownies, ice cream, and “People’s 100 Sexiest Men”. I know there isn’t one for the last one, but there should be.
I’ve realized that I get way more done when I have to go to work, then when I have the whole day to do it. And all the things I think I would do if I didn’t have to go to work, I would never do. I don’t think I even got dressed today! Technically it wasn’t what I wore to bed last night, but a tank top and sweat shorts isn’t really fashionable, but who needs to be fashionable checking Facebook cleaning the house from top to bottom. I’ve also realized that both my boys need to go to the doctor because they apparently have tapeworms. And tuning them out listening to my MP3 keeps me sane, and me dancing to my MP3 drives my boys insane! Please let the sun shine tomorrow, I can’t take two days at home!
Today at work I was having a conversation with “Malibu Barbie” (not her real name), about the Employee of the Month. We were talking about who we thought might get it next. Well, another woman, let’s call her “K”, says, “well who’s left?“ Um, what? What do you mean who’s left? That makes it sound like you will only win it because you haven’t been picked yet. She ignores that comment and starts naming people. She names “The Original J”, “New J”, Accountant Ryan, and a new woman “T“. HELLO??? What about me??? She says, “what about you?” “You can’t win, you’re not eligible to win it.” What? Oh wait, of course not, because I don’t do anything at work. Can you sense the sarcasm here?? I say, “why can’t I win it? I’m in the running just like anyone else.” She says, “well you’re not an accountant, so I wouldn’t think you could win it.” Hello? It’s called “The Employee of the Month”, not the “Accountant of the Month”. I work in the Accounting Department and I do a hell of a lot of work. I actually enjoy my job, love my boss, and for the most part, the people are great. There are some I could do without, and if we ever get to decide things the way they do on Survivor, I know some torches that need to be extinguished….just sayin’. She then says, “Well you always remind us how you’re NOT an Accountant, so I wouldn’t think you could win it, it’s just for Accountants.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! At this point I’m being very mature by making faces and sticking my tongue at her behind her back keeping quiet. Fortunately it’s all on camera, so if anyone missed it, they can rewind the tape.
So she continued on talking about the people that were left like they were the bottom of the barrel. “The Original J” said, “they’re just saving the best for last.” Exactly!! And when I win, because I LOVE my boss *hint hint, wink wink*, I will still be able to fit my head through the front door. Can’t say the same for other people.
Okay, that is a picture of my bathing suit. But let me start at the very beginning. Yesterday Elle was nagging reminding me about writing a post. Technically I haven’t written an original post that wasn’t a meme in……..well I have no idea when! I was going to write about the series finale of LOST, that is, until Elle told me I got it all wrong, so then my post didn’t make any sense. Sooooo, as we were talking she mentioned that she needed a new bathing suit. Which I said, “so do I.” My bathing suit was bought in 1996. Yes you read correctly, 1996. I was 20 years old when I got it. Here’s the thing, there are a lot of reasons why I still wear it, it does still fit, even though it’s a bikini it actually covers everything, it’s comfortable, and I like it. Here’s the problem, it’s totally faded, and when I lay on my stomach in the sun I end up getting stripes on my bum where the white stripes are. Apparently that fabric is really thin, and the sun goes right through it. It’s so sexy to have vertical stripes on your bum. I know you’re jealous. I’m guessing it’s probably pretty see through at this point too, which I haven’t thought about until this very moment. Crap. I have bought bathing suits since 1996, I’ve actually gotten 3 or 4. I know, 3 or 4 in 14 years isn’t many, but you all know how bad it is to try on bathing suits!!! I always end up back to this one. I’m probably getting too old to wear a bikini, and I probably should burn it just so I don’t wear it again. I don’t want to be one of those people at the beach that everyone is talking about…..who knows, I’ve probably already been that person!
I’ve really had enough of the crap that has come my way in the past year. I know other people have it harder and there are terrible tragedies all over the world, but today it’s all about me. I pretty much have never met an anti-biotic that I’m not allergic too or an unusual side effect that isn’t too unusual for me. My latest foray into the wonderful world of healthcare comes courtesy of blood clots in my lungs. Really, wth???
I had some pains in my ribs this past weekend, but I did what I usually do, I ignored it and hoped it would go away. It did. So on Monday I didn’t feel the need to call my doctor. Well, the blood clots had different ideas. After waking up to stabbing pain that made breathing and moving pretty much impossible I ended up in an ambulance.
I guess I was lucky, if you can call it that, because I was here so early, I beat all the people from the 20+ car pile-up. Because that really backed up CT scans. I had my diagnosis of “Good thing you came in today. You’ve got some blood clots in your lungs.” Oh crap! My husband was home getting the kids on the school bus, then was going to meet me at the hospital. He had the impeccable timing of arriving just when I got my new roommate. Let me tell you, she was spectacular and deserves a post all of her own when I’m feeling better, because remember, this is all about me.
Pretty much 12 hours after I arrived in the ER I was brought up to a room. I was told I would be here for 2 nights, but since I’m stable and I managed to pass the “able to give yourself incredibly painful injections 2x a day test” they are sending me home. Right now they think I’ll be giving myself the injections for at least 5 days, maybe longer.
At least I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed without some woman screaming somewhere on the floor all. night. long. I could only manage to be sympathetic to her for so long before I was fantasizing about smothering her with a pillow. I didn’t get any food until 9:30 last night and then it was hospital food so you probably know how good it was. If my husband hadn’t brought in my laptop and cell phone I would have lost my mind and smothered myself with a pillow.
They think the blood clots were caused by the birth control pills that I was taking to stop my periods because they were so painful because of the growth on my ovary that I had removed back in N0vember that has mysteriously grown back and am scheduled to see a pelvic pain specialist about. So basically, it still all stems from an issue that started in August of last year and here I am, 7 months later still in pain, with added blood clot pain and the need to take blood thinners for 6 to 12 months. Which means lots of blood tests. Oh joy. I guess it’s better than the alternative.
We haven’t done a Mental Defective Monday since October ‘09. What’s up with that? It’s not because of a lack of crazy, creepy, make your skin crawl keyword searches. No, it’s mostly because we’ve been to busy on Sunday nights watching The Amazing Race or something like that.
1. allergic to squirrel; then stop eating it. Simple
2. words that start with blue; blueberry, bluebonnet ummmm…. good luck with that one.
3. monkey butt cysts; ewwwwwwwwww! Medical intervention is probably a good idea at this point.
4. her butt big as hell; If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
5. site where you can start arguments monkeybutt; why would you need to argue about monkey-butts?
6. cure for dogs butt fishy smell; Try this newfangled idea called a bath.
7. my baby squirrels butt is swollen; maybe he’s putting the nuts in the wrong cheeks
9. my cat pukes out poo; you may want to call the vet on that one
9. monkey ass on outside; okay, you got me. Isn’t that where a monkey’s ass is supposed to be?
10. poop bigger than butt; I’ve got one word for you……fiber. Or maybe Jamie Lee Curtis and her Activia could help you out.
Okay, maybe not literally kill him….let me start at the beginning. Tonight I ran to Domino’s with my 9 year old to get pizza. I was gone exactly 15 minutes. I pull in the driveway, and a city Police Officer pulls in right behind me. WTH? I’m thinking, I know I wasn’t speeding. I wonder what he wants. He gets out of the cruiser and says, “I received a 911 call from this residence.” WHAT THE (*(*&)(*&&^^%$#!^*(&*^(!!!! I say, “Oh really, I wasn’t home, I just ran to get pizza, BUT my 11 year old son WAS! Let me go kill get him.” I go in the house and yell for him to get outside right now! We go outside and I say, “The Officer here says that you called 911.” So he says, “I was talking to my friend on the phone, and I dropped it and stepped on it, and my foot dialed 911.” The Officer and I looked at each other. Both thinking the same thing, there’s no way that’s what happened. I say to my son, “You’re going with that story?” Okay, I’ve heard of “butt dialing“, but I have never ever heard of “foot dialing.” The Officer asked my son, “So you do not have an emergency? There is no need for me to be here? And it was an accident?” “No, No, Yes.” The Officer smiled at me and said, “Well accidents do happen, although they don’t usually happen THAT way.”
This is why I said I’m going to kill my son. Okay? I know you are all out there laughing at this, and yes maybe next week I will find the humor in it. But be warned, if it hasn’t happened yet, you too will be victim of your son/daughter doing something this stupid! You just can’t make this shit up! Guess who’s not going to be staying home alone EVER???
Today was my yearly checkup with the head of Ophthalmic Neurology at our local hospital. He did my eye surgery a couple of years ago. Sounds like a way bigger deal than it was. Basically he removed the puffy fat beneath my eyes that were there because my stupid thyroid is just a big baby and has mood swings. Sometimes it’s too active and then sometimes it doesn’t want to do anything at all. Bitch!
Another one of the lovely side effects of thyroid problems and specifically Graves disease is that it can cause your eyes to bulge out of the sockets.
So I’m no Marti Feldman, but it does bother me. Today the illustrious doctor mentioned that they could do surgery to help correct it. The least invasive would involve them going in from the outside corners of each eye and removesome of the bone around my eye sockets. All together now..ewwwwwww. Or they can go through my sinuses and remove even more bone from my eye sockets but that may cause numbness in my upper lip. Also, ewwwwww. Then the illustrious doctor said “Well, it’s not like you look odd.” Odd?! Odd?! Just a reminder that even illustrious male doctors are still men and sometimes men just say the wrong thing.
Stumble it!
