Archive for the ‘oops’ Category
Okay, maybe not literally kill him….let me start at the beginning. Tonight I ran to Domino’s with my 9 year old to get pizza. I was gone exactly 15 minutes. I pull in the driveway, and a city Police Officer pulls in right behind me. WTH? I’m thinking, I know I wasn’t speeding. I wonder what he wants. He gets out of the cruiser and says, “I received a 911 call from this residence.” WHAT THE (*(*&)(*&&^^%$#!^*(&*^(!!!! I say, “Oh really, I wasn’t home, I just ran to get pizza, BUT my 11 year old son WAS! Let me go kill get him.” I go in the house and yell for him to get outside right now! We go outside and I say, “The Officer here says that you called 911.” So he says, “I was talking to my friend on the phone, and I dropped it and stepped on it, and my foot dialed 911.” The Officer and I looked at each other. Both thinking the same thing, there’s no way that’s what happened. I say to my son, “You’re going with that story?” Okay, I’ve heard of “butt dialing“, but I have never ever heard of “foot dialing.” The Officer asked my son, “So you do not have an emergency? There is no need for me to be here? And it was an accident?” “No, No, Yes.” The Officer smiled at me and said, “Well accidents do happen, although they don’t usually happen THAT way.”
This is why I said I’m going to kill my son. Okay? I know you are all out there laughing at this, and yes maybe next week I will find the humor in it. But be warned, if it hasn’t happened yet, you too will be victim of your son/daughter doing something this stupid! You just can’t make this shit up! Guess who’s not going to be staying home alone EVER???
Okay, this is my “Before” picture. Yep that’s me, the once invisible Stacy over here at BMB. I’ve come out of hiding I guess, and now you all can see what I look like, or looked like, because today I got my haircut. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, although I wanted to go to a high end Salon that my friend went to, but it would of been $40. And I hate to spend much on myself, but today I decided was the day to get it cut. I first drove to a discount chain haircutting place, but they were packed, apparently other people were looking for a cheap bad haircut. So I drove up the rode to someplace much worse, and cheaper. I walk in and write my name down, and this, um, what’s a nice way to put this……um, frumpy looking girl calls my name. Please god let her be the cashier and not the stylist. Oh crap, she is the stylist. Okay, I know you’re not suppose to judge a book by it’s cover, but if you are going to be cutting my hair, I would like you to look like you know how to do your OWN hair! Her hair is in a messy ponytail! She couldn’t even have a neat ponytail. And she’s in sweats, not “yoga” pants, big ass baggy sweats! UGH! So I show her the picture I brought with me on how I want my hair to be cut. She tells me that she will need to use the razor scissors on my hair for the layers, which I agree to. I get in the chair and she starts razoring off 3 inches of my hair. You’re doing it wrong (this saying keeps going on in my head) Anytime I’ve had my hair razored, they first cut off the length with regular scissors, then razor it. Not her, she’s razoring the crap out of my hair, and of course my thick long hair is getting all stuck. She then asks me what side I part my hair on, and when I tell her she parts it and starts cutting it. You’re doing it wrong Every time I get my haircut they part it down the middle, cut it and then style it, not the other way around. More and more is coming off, oh crap, why did I do this, what the hell was I thinking? And when she’s done, I look like Carol Brady, the top of my hair is all puffy and the bottom is straight, kinda like a woman’s mullet. You did it wrong This doesn’t look like the picture, what are you blind? I know, you get what you pay for, but I didn’t want to look like Carol Brady! I came home and colored my hair, and tried to re-do it the right way. I’m still not too pleased with it, and I need to experiment with it, but other people have told me it looks good. I will take their word for it and deal with it, it’ll grow eventually. Below is my “After” picture, sorry it’s in black and white, but it’s late, and my make up has fallen off of my face by now. Believe me, it’s a lot better than the color picture I took.
The other day I ran to the grocery store to get some milk. Of course that’s not all I got. I walked past a bin with a sign that said 75% off, so of course I had to check it out. It had a bunch of food I would never eat, and apparently no one else would either. There was also a waxing kit. Now I hate shaving my legs, but I hate having hair on them even more. So, for 75% off, I thought I might try it. Of course driving home I had visions of Steve Carell in the 40 Year Old Virgin, and thinking I probably made a mistake by buying it. I mean, c’mon, there were a ton of them in the bin, which tells me other women have enough sense NOT to buy it and torture themselves!
I got home and put on shorts to try this science experiment. Read the directions a couple times, and debated it over and over again in my mind. According to the directions if you do exactly what it says, you will not have any pain at all. None! Sure, I believe that, pulling hair out of any part of your body doesn’t hurt right? I put on the “pre” waxing numbing stuff, I’m not sure what’s in it, but I don’t think it’s going to do anything. I then warm the wax strip in my hands and apply it to my leg starting at the bottom of my calf and smoothing it all the way up. Now, I’ve done it, I’m committed, either way this strip HAS to come off, somehow. CRAP! I sit there staring at this strip wondering what the hell I just did?! Oh crap, I have to pull this thing off. I need someone else to pull this off, I can’t do it! CRAP!! I keep grabbing it and counting to 3 in my head, but everytime I stop. CRAP CRAP CRAP! Ahhh! Finally, after about 15 minutes of thinking how much this is going to hurt, I rip the thing off! @#$%$#!!$ $#$^^&&%$#@!(*^ &^%*($%#! ##$@#*&(*&^ That’s what I said, which if you can’t translate it, sorry, but my parents read this and I’m not allowed to repeat the profanities that spewed from my mouth! Needless to say, my wax strip only pulled off some hair, it was very patchy, but I couldn’t make myself do it again. I then took a shower to rinse off the sticky wax and shave my legs. I still have a red, irritated line where the one wax strip was. I was patchy just like Steve Carell was in the movie. But I’m not dumb enough to try that form of torture again!
At my work we recently changed email providers. The whole idea behind it was to have more security, more memory and overall better service. Well, it has been different , but I wouldn’t say better. Although there is some enhancement there, but not the kind of enhancement management intended. See, we are now getting tons of emails for “Male Enhancement”. Everyone in the whole company! “Are you embarrassed in the locker room? Well no more, we have the enhancement for your life”. The other funny thing is our legitimate emails are being routed to the spam folder and these spam emails are coming through. We never had this problem with our old email system. We’re kinda wondering if the IT guy that set this up did it on purpose, I mean do IT guys have a sense of humor? Also in the office I work at there are 15 women and only 7 men, we really don’t need any male enhancement! Maybe they can send us some spam emails for dealing with all the hormones for all the women trying to work together. That we could use.
So until they figure it all out, we’ll get our daily dose of male enhancement. At least there aren’t any side effects for just reading those emails! Gotta love Enhanced Email! (I can’t wait to see the interesting keyword we get out of this one!)
Dear Sissy’s Teacher,
You assigned “What I Did over Thanksgiving Break” for homework last night. As I was packing up Sissy’s backpack this morning in our mad dash nice and stress free way to catch the bus, I saw this assignment. What she wrote went something like this,
“What I Did Over Thanksgiving Break”
I didn’t do much over Thanksgiving. We didn’t even have turkey, we had ham. My older sister didn’t eat with us, she had someone over and we had to eat dinner really fast because we were going to see the movie Bolt. That’s about it, I didn’t do anything else.
I wasn’t home last night because I had to take her “older sister” to her Disney Internship Parent’s Meeting so I didn’t get a chance to go over Sissy’s homework.
Let me fill in what Sissy left out, lest you think we are a family of non-turkey eating, non-holiday celebrating people.
I didn’t do much over Thanksgiving. We didn’t even have turkey, we had ham:
First off she neglects to mention that at the end of October my parents were visiting and we had our Thanksgiving Dinner then right down to the cranberry sauce. Also, our kids are not fans of turkey so it seemed silly to make another big dinner for just the 5 of us that only 2 of us would actually eat. All the kids were fine with that. We were going to have eggplant Parmesan, but our stove was broken…long story.
My older sister didn’t eat with us, she had someone over
”Older sister” went to her boyfriend’s grandparent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. Then they came back to our house. “Older sister” did sit down with us while we had dinner and she nibbled on the things she liked.
we had to eat dinner really fast because we were going to see the movie Bolt
No we didn’t have to inhale our food. I don’t know if you know this or not, but sometimes young children like to dawdle over their food and a meal can last a long time.
That’s about it, I didn’t do anything else.
I guess putting out some Christmas decorations, having a fire in the fireplace and watching “Elf”, or building a really cool snowman in the backyard with your brother and Dad, or playing outside in the snow with the neighbors are pretty much I didn’t do anything else.
So you see it’s not really the way she makes things seem. Now I’m remembering you gave her the assignment “What I Did Over My Summer Vacation” in September which led to this post. What I Did on My Summer Vacation I’m starting to see a pattern here and I’ll be ready for you after Christmas vacation.
Thank you,
Sissy’s Mom
My luck just stinks! Yesterday I was home with my youngest, who has a cold, and I decided that I should waste a $20 co-pay to bring him to the doctor. Too bad they don’t give you it back if there’s nothing they can do for them! Anyways, when we got home there was a booklet on my doorstep that said, “Jesus was here”. Oh damn it, I missed him! Geez, if I had known Jesus was coming over I would of stayed home! I guess he’s one of those people that just “pop-over” to say hi. I don’t care for the “pop-over“. Neither does Elle, but that’s another story. I like to have some sort of notice, that way I can throw the dirty dishes in the stove, take a grocery bag and put everything that is on the table in it! And get out of my “yoga” pants, (and no I don’t do yoga).
I went to throw the booklet away, but then I hesitated, and thought…….I could blog about it. Now when I mentioned this to mum, she said, “You cannot make fun of Jesus“. So to keep her happy I will not be making fun of Jesus today, I will however be making fun of the booklet he left on my doorstep. The book is from December 2006, but I guess he doesn’t need an updated version since nothing new has happened in his history. It contains the usual,“sinners are going to hell”, yatta, yatta, yatta. But there are some other interesting items that caught my eye. For instance:
“Is it Wrong to Drink Alcoholic Beverages?“ Which from what I read states that since Jesus turned water to wine, it’s okay to drink alcohol, unless you become one of those annoying, loud, obnoxious drunks, then you’re a sinner. Then we have the entertainment portion:
“Calypso Music“ This just looked out of place in a book about religion. The picture actually reminds me of my honeymoon in the Bahamas, (which did involve some alcohol). Sinner!
And my favorite article in the book is:
“What Would We Do Without Donkeys??” OMG!
I mean, oh my goodness, I don’t know what the hell heck I would do without my donkey!! He is just such a life saver! I’m thinking your donkey would be a lot worse to clean up after than a dog! Never mind feeding the thing. And listening to it do that awful donkey noise! It would be a real pain in the ass…..get it?? I know bad joke. You could come up with all kinds of jokes: “my ass is getting so big”, “my ass is shedding”, “my ass crapped all over the backyard”, “my ass keeps making loud noises”, “my ass sneezed all over the place”..I could just keep going and going, but I better not, my mum will probably yell at me for all those bad words! I’ve reached my ass quota.
Sissy’s bus was late and I was starting to get worried. No sooner did I pick up the phone when it rang. It was the bus company calling to tell me her bus was late. Hmmm..yes, about 15 minutes late. He told me that the bus had been involved in a minor accident and that everyone was fine, but she might be another 1/2 hour. I asked him where the bus was and he said he didn’t know, somewhere on the route. Hmmm…of course you know where it is, but just won’t tell me. I hung up and went online to our local news channel and the headline was “School Bus Crash”. When I read the story it gave me the location…rght at the end of my street! I ran outside and stood out in my front yard and could see her bus way down the street. It was a horrible feeling to be there and know she was on that bus and I couldn’t get her. It’s so busy right there at the accident that it would’ve been dangerous for me to get her. At least I could see that the bus looked okay and there weren’t any ambulances for the kids. If there were any injuries nothing would’ve kept me away. From what she said when she got home someone ran a red light and hit another vehicle and her bus driver tried to avoid it all, but the other car hit him. One of the drivers was taken to the hospital with a broken leg. Tonight we’ll be counting our blessings.
Last night was “skate night” at our local roller skating rink to raise money for the boys school. This is always a fun event because it’s private with only parents, teachers, and children from the school. It’s a fun family event. Last night I invited Willow from work which was good because then I had someone to skate with. My boys once they have those skates on are gone! Let me start off by saying that I have no coordination, I’m very clumsy and if I start laughing, forget about it.
The first pair of skates I put on felt like my legs were going away from each other, kinda like Goofy on roller skates! I traded those for another pair, although I think the woman behind the counter really thought it was just me, and not that the skates needed an alignment! These skates I swear are the same ones they have had there since I was in 6th grade! Which for those of you that don’t know, that would be 22 years ago. They are ugly brown, brown laces, and bright orange wheels. Very retro.
Willow was great, of course! Everyone I seem to go with skates like they just came out of a roller derby movie. Me on the other hand, well I’m a different story. I can stay upright, most of the time. I kinda look like Frankenstein, if he were to take up skating! I can’t turn very well at all. Stopping is the absolute worst thing for me to do, I prefer to grab the wall or something, because if I try to use that round thing at the front of the skate to make me stop, well I would be injured. I tried it once and I stopped immediately, way too fast, jerked myself forward, landed on my stomach and slid across the rink. So, I’m not gonna try that again! It makes for a really good laugh for everyone else though. I did fall last night, although it wasn’t my fault, it was some kids fault! The problem with it being a family skate night is there are soooo many tiny children! And they all bunch up together, and when one falls, they all fall! It’s like dominoes! Well, one kid fell in front of Willow and I, and then a second later it was a 5 kid pile-up! Of course not being able to stop or turn fast, I did the only thing I could do…I went, “AHHHHHHHHHHH!”did some little jump thing (can’t even explain that one), had arms flailing everywhere, legs every which way and fell on the floor. I think Willow enjoyed it! It was very slow motion falling, looking like a spaz! But I didn’t run over any children!
Of course today, I can’t walk, way too sore! This is my body yelling at me saying, “why do you do things like that, don’t you know better by now?”
Okay, I was trying to nap today because I do have mono and a cold, but that wasn’t happening. Apparently, Elle had something to tell me. Did Ellen finally look at our blog and want us on her show? Was Phil from the Amazing Race interested in us for the next season?? NO! But guess who was…..The US Department of State. WTH????? What do they want with bluemonkeybutt? They were on our site for 35 minutes today! Doesn’t the State Department have bigger fish to fry at the moment? They were on our homepage, but also clicked on other pages. Elle said they looked at a lot of my posts, so I guess she was warning me in case a big black car pulled up to my house with men that look like Men in Black came to take me away! The other scary thing is they put in our website address, they didn’t google us, they didn’t search for monkey’s or butts. WTH? We’ve made it into the X-files, where’s Fox Mulder when you need him…oh that’s right he’s in rehab for a sex addiction. Oops, my bad.
Elle didn’t want me to write a post about them, but it’s kinda freaking me out. Elle said, “maybe someone just likes us at the State Department”, I said, “yea, that’s why you called me 4 times to tell me about it!” Mum thinks it’s just a janitor, but don’t they only work at night? Could you imagine them going to the President….”Mr. President we have a situation here…it’s called BlueMonkeyButt. Com” I can just imagine the President now, “what’s that…a monkey….I love monkeys they make me laugh!” Elle told me she’s not going down with me, but I guess that figures since she won’t save me if a bear mauls me either. So, to all of you out there in case I disappear at night when I walk the dog, thanks for reading. All future email correspondence should be addressed to Stacy @ Guantanamo Bay. 
Well last night I had to go to my first D.A.R.E. meeting. Let me start off with the reason why I had to go, I want to explain this because every time I told someone I had to go to a meeting, I got the same response, “oh really, why, what did you do?” And then they would be all disappointed when I told them the reason, I don’t know what people think I do in my spare time, but it’s not a court-ordered program! My son who is in 5th grade is taking a D.A.R.E. class at school, and they encourage parents to take one at night to go along with the lessons. Let me start off by saying I really agree with D.A.R.E. and what they do for children, it’s a great program to help kids stay off drugs, alcohol and tobacco. With that being said, I will now make fun of the night I had at my first D.A.R.E. meeting.
The Officer that taught the class was really funny, nice and cute (not that the last thing matters, but it doesn’t hurt!) He started off with questions, and one parent asked what D.A.R.E. stood for, to which the Officer replied, “Drugs Are Really Expensive” I knew at that point it wouldn’t be so bad since we had an Officer with a sense of humor! If you don’t know what it stands for it’s Drug Awareness Resistance Education. He then announced that he would start off the meeting by passing some drugs around. Wow, cool, I guess we get to try some! Sadly, no, but he did pass around 4 bags of marijuana, 2 to one side of the room and 2 to the other. My BFF and I were at the very back of the room, of course so we got the drugs last, well I took the 2 bags and walked to the other side of the room to show the other people and this woman got so defensive! Me: “here you go“, Her: “what’s that? Is that marijuana?” Me: “ah yea, that’s what he’s been passing around” Her: “well I don’t need it I already saw it” Me: “well you didn’t see this stuff it’s from the other side of the room” Her: “NO I don’t want the marijuana!” Okay now Miss Sweater Set is acting like I am peer pressuring drugs on her!! “TAKE THE DRUGS WOMAN!” It was funny to see all the parents looking at the bags of marijuana, and each one had to smell it! Then he passed around pipes and bongs. Of course we got the pipes last and I said to my BFF, “I’m not trying to give these bongs to Miss Sweater Set, you go give them back to the Officer” and she was all, “no, I’m not getting up in front of everyone”, and at this point I had drank a Dunkin Donuts Ice Coffee and there was no way I could make it up there holding 2 very large glass bongs! So, we sat the entire class with 2 of the largest bongs I have ever seen on our table. Nice.
The Officer then started asking questions like what is the difference between these 2 bags of drugs? To which my BFF yells out, “one bag is all divi’d up”. Correct. What about these? “that one has a lot of seeds in it” Good job BFF, now the Officer thinks you sell pot! Ahh! As the night went on it was clear that first of all my BFF and I were the youngest in the class, and second we were in a class with all old/dorky people who knew nothing!! Talk about stupid questions! I think I rolled my eyes about 37 times! When we got to the hard drugs the Officer asked what methadone was. Of course my BFF & I raised our hands, no one else seemed to know. Hello???? Haven’t these people ever watched Intervention on A & E or maybe read a magazine????? So of course BFF answers it, and I’m whispering something like, shhhhhh, stop answering questions. And she ends up getting nervous and starts blurting out TMI! “Methadone is a drug they give you to get off of Heroin…it’s sometimes worse than Heroin…I knew someone that was on Heroin and she was worse on Methadone..yatta yatta yatta. AHHHHH! Stop talking! But she got nervous and couldn’t stop!! Luckily nothing too bad came out of her mouth! My BFF took nursing classes so she knows a lot about substances and what they do to you, but stop answering questions! I told her knowing all the answers to the questions in the D.A.R.E. class was probably not a good thing and she may look like she knew a little something. I told her I wouldn’t be surprised if they “stopped” by her house sometime! At the end of the class the Officer asked if he had all his drugs back, which he did, but then I had to yell, “but don’t forget your bongs back here”, now who’s the one who can’t stop talking! Why did I use the word “bong”, the Officer never did! So that was my night, and when I got home my beagle kept sniffing my hands, maybe he could be a smart drug sniffing dog……doubt it.
Stumble it!
