My Craptastic Day
Warning: To the approximately 5 people who read our blog the following post contains graphic descriptions of child poop and dog crap. If either of these things bother you stop reading now. You’ve been warned.
I’m usually not a ranter, that’s Stacy’s job and she does it very well, but the last 24 hours have been miserable. Our youngest, J-Man, is super constipated. I just know when he’s a teenager he’s going to love me for this. I swear that kids has poop in there from last Christmas. He’s the king of not going to the bathroom. He will just get enough out to get him through another week before he goes again. But last night was pure hell. He can’t go, but he’s got poop leaking around it and just ruining his underwear and pants. He would wake up screaming “Ihavetogopottyrightnowreallybad!IwantDaddy!” and he’d waddle to the bathroom. For some reason he wanted Daddy last night, not Mommy. Probably because Mommy is mean and would make him sit there for a long time trying to get him to go. Daddy feels badly, cleans him up and gets him back to bed. I just want to go on record that I remained awake and ready to lend Mommy-type assistance. Mitch would yell from the bathroom “I need big boy pants and pajama bottoms stat!” I would get out of my cozy bed and pass them through the cracked door. Finally, J-Man would be cleaned up and tucked back into bed. About 20 minutes would pass and the “Ihavetogopottyrightnowreallybad!IwantDaddy!” waddle to the bathroom show would start again. Over and over I was the “I need big boy pants and pajama bottoms stat!” girl. I managed to watch an episode of Chuck and last night’s episode of The Officethat were on the DVR between 12 and 3am. Finally, about 3am he settled down for a whole 3 hours of sleep. Then at 6am, it started again. So today we are starting a cleansing diet. I’m hoping to avoid giving him an enema because that’s just a horrible, nasty thing to do. While Mitch was helping him in the bathroom, I ran to the store and picked up lots of fibery foods and Plum Smart juice and some latex free gloves for me and my crappy laundry. So if that’s not enough our St. Bernard takes a crap in the kitchen at 8am this morning. I always, always take them out after 9 every single stinking day, but apparently that wasn’t good enough and he doesn’t do the “Ihavetogopottyrightnowreallybad!IneedDaddy!” thing. I just screamed as I saw him all hunched over in the kitchen crapping on the floor. I lost it. Our other dog slunk away to hide under the table as I was screaming. I cleaned that up and took them both out. I lit the only candle I could find, which was a Yankee Candle Christmas Wreath scent and opened a window. Then about half an hour later I could detect the scent of dog crap mixed in the the jolly scent of Christmas. I look over at the dogs and they are both trying to look casual but I can see their eyes moving nervously. I walked back into the kitchen and what do I find? Dog crap you say? Well, what was left of the dog crap. Apparently our other dog ate it. I’m not sure if he ate it because he was hungry or was trying to hide the evidence so the crazy lady didn’t come back and start screaming again. He was probably all like “Dude, WTH? Couldn’t you have done that outside? Now she’s gonna come back and start screaming and her heads gonna spin around in circles and then she may explode. I’m gonna have to eat this so she doesn’t freak out. You so owe me!” Nice to think they’ve got each other’s back. So, once again, I cleaned that up and gave them a drink of water. At least one of them really needed a drink. So my house smells like Christmas and crap. I was supposed to work today but that’s not in the cards. No, it’s just a really long craptastic day here at the BMB household.
Oh and just a side note. I think I’ve been banned from Lia Sophia parties forever.
