Being Poked By Sharp Sticks

CAUTION-This post will contain “woman themes”, really gross, descriptive events that occurred today at the ob/gyn office.  If you are a guy, my dad, my brother, or anyone who is squeamish at all, I would suggest you skip this post today!  Or if you plan on having an I.U.D. in the near future, you may not want to read this.  If you decide to keep reading after being warned, and you sit there and go,“uh, oh, ewwww, OMG!  I can’t believe how gross and disgusting this post is” well suck it up!  At least you weren’t the one with their feet in the stirrups!!!

Let’s start with a little back-story.  If you are new to this blog then you missed my other nasty, descriptive post about “The Sharks are Circling”, which is code for “my absolutely horrible period”.  So, I have endometriosis, which is very painful, screws up your periods, and just pretty much makes being a woman SUCK!  My dr. and I decided that my best bet for treatment was to have an I.U.D. (Intrauterine Device), which should stand for INTENSIVE UNCOMFORTABLE DEMON inserted into my uterus.  Okay, I’ve seen the commercials for Mirena with the smiling mom talking about how wonderful it is with Mirena.  Well, first off in the commercial it doesn’t tell you that 1. You have to take pills to dilate you so they can shove it in there, 2. You have to have your period when they do it, and 3.  They may NOT be able to shove it in there!  I went to the office today, the dr. came in and I asked about how long it would take, “15 minutes tops, don’t worry it’s really easy”  Famous last words!  Real easy my ass!  She puts the clamp on and takes a peek….”Hmmm, did you take those pills?”  me-“Yea, why??”  her-“oh it’s no big deal, but you don’t look dilated, but it should be fine, I can just manually dilate your cervix”  me-“what the???”  Okay, now comes the next torture device, the dilator.  She clamps this thing on and starts turning, “click, click, click”  HOLY CRAP BATMAN, WTF!!! (sorry Mom, but this was very painful, it requires swearing!!)  “don’t worry this should make it easier for insertion”  BULLS—!  She pushed, and poked, and prodded over and over again for an HOUR!  Yes you read right an HOUR!  An HOUR of cranking the torture device trying to “open” my cervix, an HOUR of pushing with all her might to get this thing into my uterus!  her-“You know, there was only one other time in my 25 yrs as a dr. that I could not insert one of these.  me -(in my head), “yea, lucky me, I am the one other person that cannot have an IUD implanted!”  How come I’ve never that one person that wins the lottery or something good?”  Huh?  What’s up with that  KARMA?  She then tells me that there’s like a turn or something, and if she can just maneuver around the curve she may make it.  So “Sharp Turn Ahead”.  At this point she’s got the super bright light shining in my… well..you know, and I’m realizing that her face is mere inches, maybe less than an inch away from my…you know.  It looks like she’s trying to look into a key hole or something!  Yes, these are the thoughts going through my head!  “That’s soo gross that she is so close to my..you know, god this sooo hurts, I hate being a woman, I want to kill this woman right now, Elle is sooo gonna want me to write about this!”  After a few more tries I had enough, it was not going to work, and I could not stand it anymore.  She then said, “wow, you are such a trooper!  you must have a high threshold for pain”.  Well, let’s see, what were my options while she was poking me with sharp sticks?  Scream at the top of my lungs or kick her in the head??  I mean c’mon?  What could I do?  She’s got everything stuck in me and my feet are in the stirrups, not much I could do.  And of course after it was done and I got up to get dressed I glanced around the room.  Holy CSI!!!  It looks like someone’s been murdered in here!  Note to self, do not make eye contact with the nurse when you walk out, she’s going to have to clean up this crime scene!  Thank goodness my designated husband took the day off to drive me today because after that ordeal there was no way I could of driven myself home!  I did request some Tylenol with Codeine, which I am sooo happy about!  So in the end my only real option is a hysterectomy, which is NOT what I wanted to do.  But we’ve had our boys and we were done in that department, it’s just more about having surgery, worrying about that, being out of work for awhile, the kids, the family…you know EVERYTHING.   So that was my day, how was yours??